they all call you names
but I still think of all your best qualities
selfless. caring. loving. trustworthy
you engraved your name in my heart
and slowly slipped away
if I knew that night in February,
would be the last time seeing you
I would have
stayed out longer
hugged you harder
admired your face longer
held you closer longer
-XOXO chana
we are all just lost souls
tryna find love in this
mad mad world
Love –
something we all crave and need
yet it the hardest thing to find
brings out the best and worst of you
something we fight for even when we shouldn’t
this four letter word
holds so much power
-XOXO chana
Dear Diary,
Lately I feel like my life has been flipped upside down. Everything has been going wrong. I’ve been feeling more anxious and slightly depressed. My bestfriend stopped talking to me and I don’t know what I did wrong. She slowly faded out of my life and is now avoiding me. It feels as if no one stays present in my life – they leave as soon as they get a chance. Maybe my anxiety becomes annoying. Maybe im overthinking it. Maybe its all my fault. Maybe she wasn’t meant to be in my life. Maybe I fucked up. Maybe I pushed her away. Don’t get me wrong – I wish her all the best in her future endeavours but I cant help but wonder what went wrong. Will I ever hear back from her?
-XOXO chana
i spend my days
wishing you had been the one
i picture all
that we could have been
i would have
painted the sky pink to
take away your blues
now these days,
i’m stuck replaying
all the memories of us
-XOXO chana
rest in peace
to what
we had
2 years strong
but in the end
you betrayed
the tiny thread
of trust —
you broke me
now,
I keep
digging up
the grave
of our love
to reminice
all that we
once had
-XOXO chana
I still
check up on you
In hopes that
someday soon
you will
come back
home to me
I keep
wishing upon the stars
for you to return
I find my self
talking to the stars
because afterall
you are my guiding star
-XOXO chana
I told you once, not to mess with my mental health but yet you didn’t listen. You need to understand what the past few months have felt like.
I’m done with your scheming – not only did you pretend you didn’t know me but you got my loved ones involved. You got all of them to convince me that there was nothing between us and it was in my head. Everyday I went to sleep with you on my mind and with my tears in my eyes listening to a playlist of sad songs. You were the sole reason for my tears and heart ache. Even when everyone in my life told me that I didn’t have a man – for some reason I still held on to a tiny bit of hope that you would walk back into my life after treating me like complete shit.
I missed the days when you actually checked up on me and treated me well. I missed seeing your face and holding your hand. I missed having you hold me close. For some odd reason – I still made sure to check up on you even though you tossed me to the curb. Everyday I found myself searching you up on twitter and making sure you were okay. To keep you on my mind I rewatched the office knowing that it was your favourite show. I listened to songs that reminded me of you. I wrote to you in my bullet journal. I even wrote you a letter and placed it on Kanna’s desk in hopes that somehow it would reach you. I was losing my mind – everyone in my life was telling me we weren’t together. I even recalled us getting engaged and told my friends about that too. I missed our stolen glances, our meaningful conversations, our study dates, our simple errand runs.
Everyday my mind played the memories of you that I had – from you visiting me in class, bombarding me on campus, visiting Altona road, you picking me up malvern mall, surprising me at chapters, our study dates, our first official date.
I hated being on campus because it reminded me of you. Everyday I walked by the poster for your friends lost dog. You ruined my favourite songs.
No one told me that you got in a car accident because they knew it would hurt me. I know my dad went with you to pick out the car.
Everyday I was treated like damaged goods by my parents and siblings. I was living everyday on the verge of a breakdown. They didn’t let me go to school or work for majority of November. They took away my phone. I couldn’t go on my laptop. They treated me like a child.
What hurt the most is that you lied and deceived me – knowing that I hated when you played with my mental health. The past few months you put me through hell and back. I’ve been feeling like utter shit.
-XOXO chana
i hear noises
that translate to your voice
i see faces
that shift into yours
i am haunted by
the memory of you
how can I forget you
if I haven’t
got closure
-XOXO chana
you say
nothings wrong
but i can sense
a shift
in energy
between my bones
-XOXO chana
i’ve become
a stranger
to my own body
i dont recognize
my self
no more
gone are the traces
of my old self
-XOXO chana
