Posted in Poems

longer

they all call you names 

but I still think of all your best qualities 

selfless. caring. loving. trustworthy 

you engraved your name in my heart 

and slowly slipped away 

if I knew that night in February, 

would be the last time seeing you 

I would have 

stayed out longer

hugged you harder

admired your face longer 

held you closer longer

-XOXO chana

Posted in Poems

love

we are all just lost souls 

tryna find love in this

mad mad world 

Love – 

something we all crave and need 

yet it the hardest thing to find 

brings out the best and worst of you 

something we fight for even when we shouldn’t 

this four letter word

holds so much power 

-XOXO chana

Posted in Poems

guiding star

I still

check up on you

In hopes that

someday soon

you will

come back

home to me

I keep

wishing upon the stars

for you to return

I find my self

talking to the stars

because afterall

you are my guiding star

-XOXO chana

Posted in Anxiety, Dear Diary, jolly june, Quarantine Files

to the only guy I’ve ever loved,

Maybe just maybe I fell for you too hard too fast. Every waking moment is spent thinking of you and wondering how you are doing. Yet lately it seems like it’s not being reciprocated.

You were the first guy I ever properly spoke to – openly. I told you about my fears, my dreams and everything in between. You gave me a lot of my firsts – first date, first kiss, first talking stage. You became my first boyfriend and i hoped you would be my last. I envisioned my life with you but now everything’s up in flames. 

For the second time I’m my life I’ve experienced heart ache and misery. For months on end you brushed me aside like I meant nothing to you. When I tried to reach out to you to see what was up because I missed you – you called me crazy and told me you were dating someone else. Maybe I’m not good enough for you. Maybe I’m not worthy of love. 

Not only did you treat me like trash but you got my family and friends in cahoots with you. Everyone’s been scheming behind my back. No one seems to remember that you were my boyfriend when I specially made sure that my parents and family met you before we became official. For someone with generalized anxiety disorder and depression my memory is sharp. 

I still remember telling you I wasn’t ready to date you and wanted to just be friends. I was done lying my family, my best friends, who had been there for me at my lowest. I needed to focus on my self and my mental health. I told you I had a lot to work on before I had a mans – I wanted to fix my relationships with my so called squad, I wanted to make sure me and my ex-bestfriend were on good terms. You being the elaborate waste-bucket I know – planned a big ass surprise for me. You went and talked to my parents, you talked to my friends, and my family inorder to surprise me.

I was on campus on April 26th, 2018, during this time you told me to have fun in Sri Lanka over the summer and then we would talk when I got back. I was already starting to miss you even before the trip. I was wondering if you would move on during my trip and maybe find someone else. I was all in my thoughts sitting in the meeting place at UTSC, writing in my bullet journal. When I was bombarded on campus by my cousins. They could tell I was sad – they told me that you went and talked to my parents, that you told them you wanted to be with me. I was shocked – I never expected you to do that, you were my prince charming. Thats when Taylor Swift was being blasted into the meeting place – they told me to look up. Thats when you walked down the stairs with my brother and sister. As y’all were talking towards me thats when my parents popped up and then also perriamma and perriappa. Then you asked me to be your girlfriend. 

Fast forward to September – I told you I wanted a break – I needed to focus on school and raise my GPA. You understood and told me okay. We would still talk everyday and text. But then I remember that night in November. You were in the hospital. My parents visited you in the hospital – i was devastated. How could you have done something so stupid?. It was in that moment when I thought I had lost you forever that I realized I loved you. You were the one. 

I knew from that moment on I needed you in my life. The dark days and all. You were my source of happiness and joy. I remember the days you used to hold me close. Now everything has changed and I’ve been brushed aside. 

I’m left to fend from my own demons by myself. You’ve put me in a constant state of depression. Everyday I’m wishing that you would walk into my life – I can’t stand to lose another person I love. Yet months have gone by and nothing. You don’t seem to care about me. 

Every night I fall asleep with tears on my eyes thinking of you and what we used to be. With a sad playlist on repeat. I go to sleep knowing that I can be with you in my dreams. 

I’ve reached the point where the pain is greater than my love for you. All you’ve caused me pain now. All I have left to say to you, is why ? Just why ? What’s your reason for all the pain you caused ? Was this really necessary ? 

-XOXO chana

Posted in jolly june, Poems

ajax.

they say

home is where your heart is 

but you stole my heart 

I fell in love

with a Ajax wasteman

now all these familiar places

are shifting to unfamiliar

I feel lost

wandering these lonely streets

without you

-XOXO chana

Posted in Anxiety, Dear Diary, jolly june, life, Quarantine Files

you said

you said

you would be there for me

you said

you wouldnt hurt me

you said

you would protect me at all costs

you said

that you would be consistent

you said that

you were in it for the long haul

yet —-

you aren’t here

right when I need you most

____________________________

was I wrong to trust you ?

was I just another piece on your chess board ?

was it all just a game for you ?

was it my anxiety that pushed you away ?

was my actions the cause of this ?

-XOXO chana

Posted in Uncategorized

the expense of protection

They tell me they lied for me 

To protect me – 

But at what expense was it at ?

2 years of nothing but lies 

2 years of waiting on him

2 years of crying my self to sleep

2 years of being treated like I’m crazy 

2 years of scheming

2 years of depression

2 years of suicidal thoughts – 

The only things keeping me from ending my life 

Was my girls specifically M,A,S,T, 

They were the ones by my side at my lowest 

They were the ones that motivated me to get better 

They were the ones who validated my feelings 

They were the ones who were there for me 

at my lowest and darkest nights

They were the ones I spilled my heart out to 

Because I couldn’t trust my family

So this ones for them. 

Thank you for sticking by my side.

Thank you for being there 

Thank you for making me realize my self worth 

Thank you for giving me the love I needed to heal 

Thank you for providing me words of affirmation

I love you guys to infinitely and beyond 

-XOXO chana