life – – xoxo, chana

dear diary pt.3

Posted on August 24, 2020September 1, 2020 by justmyselfa

Dear Diary,

Lately I feel like my life has been flipped upside down. Everything has been going wrong. I’ve been feeling more anxious and slightly depressed. My bestfriend stopped talking to me and I don’t know what I did wrong. She slowly faded out of my life and is now avoiding me. It feels as if no one stays present in my life – they leave as soon as they get a chance. Maybe my anxiety becomes annoying. Maybe im overthinking it. Maybe its all my fault. Maybe she wasn’t meant to be in my life. Maybe I fucked up. Maybe I pushed her away. Don’t get me wrong – I wish her all the best in her future endeavours but I cant help but wonder what went wrong. Will I ever hear back from her?

-XOXO chana

Anxiety, jolly june, life, The Chronicles of Chana

the chronicles of chana – pt.1 : prologue

Posted on June 23, 2020July 24, 2020 by justmyselfa

The Baleswarans. Close knit. Loving. Loyal. Privileged. Damaged. Minorities. Trustworthy. Selfless. We live in in Toronto – more specifically Scarborough.

Chana was an ordinary girl. Loving family of 4 beautiful souls who she could depend on. Friends that she believed in. Living with flaws she had learned to love over time. Just a city girl trying to fit in to this world. Shy was her middle name. The type to sit in the corner of a crowded room, isolated from all the other beings in the room. She was a book nerd, loved to lose her self in a good book. Yet one vacation would change everything she’d ever known. Her life would be flipped upside down.

I would to to hear your thoughts after reading this – leave them in the comments below

-XOXO chana

Uncategorized

My Birthday Fundraiser

Posted on June 9, 2020June 12, 2020 by justmyselfa

Hello everyone, I just wanted to hop on here and say that for the month of june i am going to try and write a blog post everyday or at least 5 times a week. I am hoping to raise money for 2 organizations for my birthday. I want to raise money for 2 interrelated causes – mental illness and for those affected by the civil war in Sri Lanka (orphans).

The first one being for Mental illness- as you all know mental illness is one of the leading causes of illness in Canada but due the stigma around it many individuals do not seek help. I want to raise money and give it to Shoniker Clinic. In addition, within the Tamil community Mental Illness is seen as taboo and is barely spoken about. Family’s are afraid speaking up will ruin their reputation and how others will perceive them. Tamils hold reputation on a gold platter when in reality, not acknowledging mental illness as a illness affects not only the individual but also the family. How many more lives do we have to lose in the Tamil community before Tamils stand together and fight against the stigma? In 2019 alone, we lost 3 lives that I know of. This could have been prevented if we openly spoke about mental illness within the Tamil community. So let’s stand together and speak about mental illness. Those with mental illness are not defined by their diagnosis. We see things from a new POV – we are NOT crazy, defensive, sensitive, lazy, drama queens, annoying, violent. Mental illness manifest in different ways – you can be super productive or you can face chronic fatigue.

The second cause I want to donate to is to feed orphans due to Mullivaikal in SL on my birthday and to buy orphans materials (pencils, pens etc) and feed them. If you know any well known charitable organizations in Sri Lanka please let me know.

Thank you. To e-transfer or PayPal me send me a message. Anything helps, even if it’s just 1 dollar.

Thank you in advance

Donate Here

-XOXO chana

P.S I have already reached my initial goal but will still be raising money. So if you can donate! If you dont have the means to donate please share on your social media.

What are some organizations you think I should donate to – they must be reputable. ?

Uncategorized

the expense of protection

Posted on June 9, 2020June 12, 2020 by justmyselfa

They tell me they lied for me

To protect me –

But at what expense was it at ?

2 years of nothing but lies

2 years of waiting on him

2 years of crying my self to sleep

2 years of being treated like I’m crazy

2 years of scheming

2 years of depression

2 years of suicidal thoughts –

The only things keeping me from ending my life

Was my girls specifically M,A,S,T,

They were the ones by my side at my lowest

They were the ones that motivated me to get better

They were the ones who validated my feelings

They were the ones who were there for me

at my lowest and darkest nights

They were the ones I spilled my heart out to

Because I couldn’t trust my family

So this ones for them.

Thank you for sticking by my side.

Thank you for being there

Thank you for making me realize my self worth

Thank you for giving me the love I needed to heal

Thank you for providing me words of affirmation

I love you guys to infinitely and beyond

-XOXO chana

Anxiety, birthday, bullet journal, jolly june, life, Poems, Quarantine Files, uni, UofT

darkest days

Posted on June 4, 2020June 12, 2020 by justmyselfa

even on my darkest

I still speak about you

with endearing terms

and spill my heart out

to anyone willing to listen

they say –

If he were the one

he would have ;

stayed

been present

consisten

they call you:

a wastebucket

a fuc boi

toxic

an ass

a cheat –

but I know

in my soul and with everyinch of my heart

the mistakes we were were pure and out of innocence

I need time to grow and bloosom

but I still have faith in

you & us

even when your actions and words tell me otherwise

I miss the old you – the real you

-XOXO chana

life, Poems

how do I sleep at night

Posted on April 17, 2020July 24, 2020 by justmyselfa

amma –

how do I sleep at night

knowing he left me

so easily

am I going to be alright

how do I move on?

amma –

will this feeling pass?

-XOXO chana

life, Poems

racing thoughts

Posted on April 7, 2020July 24, 2020 by justmyselfa

all these sleepless nights

are catching up to me

meanwhile

you walk away

scout free?

how is it

that you

moved on so fast –

you took any

chance

you got

to race off

with a piece

of my heart.

my hopes and dreams

were all crushed

by you

-XOXO chana

closure

Posted on February 26, 2020July 24, 2020 by justmyselfa

i hear noises

that translate to your voice

i see faces

that shift into yours

i am haunted by

the memory of you

how can I forget you

if I haven’t

got closure

-XOXO chana

knight.

Posted on February 19, 2020July 24, 2020 by justmyselfa

you did

a number

on my heart

told me

you would

be my knight

in shining armour

yet all

you were

was a coward

dressed

in a

shitty cape

-XOXO chana