Posted in Dear Diary, life

dear diary pt.3

Dear Diary,

Lately I feel like my life has been flipped upside down. Everything has been going wrong. I’ve been feeling more anxious and slightly depressed. My bestfriend stopped talking to me and I don’t know what I did wrong. She slowly faded out of my life and is now avoiding me. It feels as if no one stays present in my life – they leave as soon as they get a chance. Maybe my anxiety becomes annoying. Maybe im overthinking it. Maybe its all my fault. Maybe she wasn’t meant to be in my life. Maybe I fucked up. Maybe I pushed her away. Don’t get me wrong – I wish her all the best in her future endeavours but I cant help but wonder what went wrong. Will I ever hear back from her?

-XOXO chana

Posted in Anxiety, Dear Diary, jolly june, life, Quarantine Files

you said

you said

you would be there for me

you said

you wouldnt hurt me

you said

you would protect me at all costs

you said

that you would be consistent

you said that

you were in it for the long haul

yet —-

you aren’t here

right when I need you most

____________________________

was I wrong to trust you ?

was I just another piece on your chess board ?

was it all just a game for you ?

was it my anxiety that pushed you away ?

was my actions the cause of this ?

-XOXO chana

Posted in birthday, jolly june, life

my identity

Last month, on May 28th, Tamils around the world remembered all the lives lost during the 3 decade long civil war. It is our remembrance day, during the final stretch of the war, hundreds of thousands of Tamil individuals were brutally killed. On this day, several school boards in Ontario, government officials and prominent individuals commemorated the genocide. However, Peel School Board District, retracted this tweet and apologized to the oppressor based on a few complaints from some uneducated individuals in the GTA. Tamils across the GTA have been trying to email the district school boards to tell them now much acknowledging this day means to us. In order to stand together and fight this worthy cause, Tamils have been posting on social media with the caption ” I am தமிழ்/ Tamil and genocide is a part of my identity”.

Here is my post to this movement:

In May of 2018, my family and I took a trip to the so called paradise island that travel blogs promote – Sri Lanka – for a month long stay. We rotated our stay between 2 towns: PointPedro and Mallavi. One place my Appa and Aththai really wanted to visit was the Church in Mullivaikal. My Aththai is a strong and resilient women who became a widow in 2009 due the civil war. This spot is where my Appama and Ammama were last seen. This spot is where my uncle was bombed to death. This is the spot that brings chills and goosebumps to my family. This is the spot that brings tears to my Appa’s, Athai’s, Akka’s, Thambi’s and family’s eyes. Speaking about our history as Tamils is so important. We need to educate those who left us to fend for our selves during the war. To educate the countries that did not stand behind us in 2009. To educate people of all races and nationalities. To stand in solidarity for the hundreds of thousands of individuals raped, sexually assaulted, kidnapped, murdered, killed and disappeared during the decades long civil war

RIP Mahalingam Mama, Rasama Kanapathipillai, Ammama

I am Thamil and genocide is part of my identity.

-XOXO chana

Posted in Anxiety, birthday, bullet journal, Dear Diary, jolly june, life, Poems, Quarantine Files, uni, UofT

eelam

the history of my people

runs in my veins

the stories of inhumane acts

run like a film roll in my head

the legacy of my family & tamils

keeps me going

everything I do is to honour

my blood

the history of tamils

sometimes keeps me up at night

2009 ,

haunts me

my appama and ammama missing in times of crisis

my uncle bombed to death

my aunt left widowed

how do they sleep at night

knowing they took the lives of

hundreds of thousand innocent lives

the war left

thousands of my people

displaced

killed

missing

murdered

sexually assaulted

kidnapped

dead

bombed

raped

how did they get away

with the numerous

war crimes

-XOXO chana

Posted in Poems, Uncategorized

another day

its been one of those days

all thats on my mind is – you

i’m sitting here in despair

questioning

why you were taken away

wondering

if it will ever get easier

as the tears stream down my face

i’m left living through the memory of you

-XOXO chana

 

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Posted in Uncategorized

A Piece of My Heart

Death comes in many forms. Whether it comes unexpected or was expected; the pain is still there. At some point in our lives, we think about death. And how we would like to leave this world. Though it takes someone away – it brings a family together. It is something we all fear. As humans, we never willingly speak about death. It is not something you casually bring up in a conversation.

The past few months have been a struggle. Recently, my cousin – who was more like my brother passed away. Each day it just gets harder. People say with time everything will be fine. But lately, it seems like with each passing day the hole in my heart lengthens. It sucks to know that I will not be able to see Waldo. He was destined for bigger and better things, yet was taken away, way too soon. 

Why was a wonderful person taken away from us at a young age? How does one move on from the death of a loved one? How do you mend a broken heart?

Every day I find myself thinking of waldo and everything he was supposed to be. The hole in my chest will never be filled. All I feel is emptiness as the days pass by.

Along with death comes grief. As a family, you will find yourselves going through several stages. First, comes isolation, then comes anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance. The stages are a never ending cycle. There is no time limit, you can find yourself grieving for a couple months or even your whole lifetime.

After, Waldo’s death I was constantly in a state of shock. Was he really gone? I would keep replaying what happened in my head. I would be sitting down relaxing and then all of a sudden it would hit me. The end result were tears streaming down my face.

There’s not a day that passes by, where I don’t think of Waldo. He is constantly in my mind. He is the voice in my head, that helps me make decisions. Everything I do and plan to do is for Waldo. He taught me to fight for what you believe in and to work hard. And that is what I intend to do. He is my guardian angel ❤

Who is your guardian angel?

-XOXO chana

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