Posted in life

brown skin girl

Growing up, I always felt different from the rest of my family. little did they know the lack of self confidence I faced. 

One anecdote that my parents tell others when they talk about having me is this one. After giving birth to me, I was placed in a box away from my parents. When they finally got to see and hold me I appeared different than I had at birth. My mom immediately told my dad this is not my child – this is someone elses. I had deep dark melanin enriched skin with curly hair. My mom didnt believe I was her daughter. 

My mom says that I get my melanin enriched skin from her father – my grandpa. Growing up in a household with individuals with lighter skin I suffered from lack of confidence. I didn’t look like my immediate family. I looked different and the feeling of indifference stayed with me for majority of my life. 

I had rich brown skin – the only people I felt related to in a sense were people in the movies and tv shows. I was dark skinned and couldn’t relate to anyone in my immediate life.

My insecurities with my skin made me want to hide out and led me to cover up every inch of my body. Even in the summer heat I wore long pants and a sweater. 

As a child, I was bullied by classmate for the colour of my skin. They would make jokes about me and my skin – they made comments like “ if we turned off the lights, we wouldn’t be able to see you”, “your black”, “you got darker than usual”. They didn’t realize at the time but these comments hurt my confidence and would worsen my levels of self esteem. 

Eventually, high school rolled around and by then I embraced by dark, melanin enriched skin. I decided I wouldn’t let others affect my self esteem. I finally started to love myself and my dark skin.

Have you suffered from lack of confidence and self esteem? I would love to hear about it in the comments

-XOXO chana

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Posted in Dear Diary, life

dear diary pt.3

Dear Diary,

Lately I feel like my life has been flipped upside down. Everything has been going wrong. I’ve been feeling more anxious and slightly depressed. My bestfriend stopped talking to me and I don’t know what I did wrong. She slowly faded out of my life and is now avoiding me. It feels as if no one stays present in my life – they leave as soon as they get a chance. Maybe my anxiety becomes annoying. Maybe im overthinking it. Maybe its all my fault. Maybe she wasn’t meant to be in my life. Maybe I fucked up. Maybe I pushed her away. Don’t get me wrong – I wish her all the best in her future endeavours but I cant help but wonder what went wrong. Will I ever hear back from her?

-XOXO chana

Posted in life

15 Questions to Get To Know Me

hello loves, I am back with another post 🙂 this post is inspired by Oliva Lucie Blake. so shout out to her. you should definetly go check out her blog.

without further ado here we go.

  1. 3 places I want to travel to
  • Vancouver, Canada
  • Kandy, Sri Lanka
  • Verona, Italy

2. Dream place to live

To be honest I think I love where I live currently, Toronto. I don’t ever really see my self moving but if I were to it would probably still be in Canada like Vancouver or somewhere up north in Ontario

3. A TV show i’m obessed with

  • Gilmore Girls
  • Greys Anatomy

4. Last 3 songs I listened to

  • Invisible String – Taylor Swift
  • Epiphany – Taylor Swift
  • Mad Woman – Taylor Swift

5. Three people I’d love to have dinner with

  • Waldo – my cousin Atheesh, who passed away in 2016

6. Favourite Movie of All Time

  • Matilda
  • A Walk to Remember

7. Favourite Animal

  • Cat or Dog

8. Ultimate comfort food

  • Mac and Cheese
  • Moms cooking
  • Ice cream

9. Favourite Season

  • Autumn is the best 🙂

10. Favourite Holiday

  • Christmas – love the spirit, colours, snow, giving gifts, the trees

11. 5 things I love about myself

  • my strength
  • my hair
  • my skin
  • my smile
  • my crooked teeth

12. Something I’m proud of

  • starting this blog
  • doing a TED x talk at my highschool
  • buying my domain for my blog

13. Describe your ideal day

  • waking up to the sounds of my family, having a nice breakfast, and just relaxing for the rest of the day with a big ol’ cup of tea and good book

14. Favourite childhood memory

  • buying all the books I could at the scholastic book fair

15. Biggest Pet Peeve

  • scratching of nails on a chalk board
  • people who deceive you

Be sure to leave your responses to these questions in the comments.

-XOXO chana

Posted in Quarantine Files

quarantine haul

hello :I I hope you guys are staying safe during these trying times with covid-19 🙂 todays post is all about the things I have bought throughout quarantine 🙂 so grab a cup of tea and read

Zulilly

Amazon

Mrs.Penguin

ColourPop

Birthday Presents (gifted to me)

  • Crayola 93 pack of Pencil Crayons
  • Kindle Ereader
  • Fake Desk Succulent
  • Acrylic Drawers (I design 3 drawer)
  • Brookeside Chocolate Covered Açai Berries. (Costco bulk bag)
  • 7 succulents

What have you bought this quarantine ?

-XOXO chana

Posted in life

july favourites

hello loves, I am back with a new post 🙂 below are my july faves

Technology/Apps:

  • Good Notes: perfect for digital notetaking and for art
  • Kindle E-reader

TV shows

  • Drop Dead Diva
  • Friends

Youtubers / Content Creators

Recently, my brother started a new venture and creates youtube videos. I love seeing my brother be passionate about something and his love for editing.  Let’s run those views up. His most recent video: : NBA 2K20 1v1 wager.

  • Sharif Rams

My brothers friend Sharif – whose more like family to the Bales Family. Be sure to check him out for a laugh and subscribe. He films vlogs, challenges, reaction videos and more.

Stationary

  • Mildliners
  • Paper Mate Flair Pens

Books

  • Slammed by Colleen Hover

What are some of your favourites this month?

Posted in Quarantine Files

my quarantine art

this quarantine I honed my creative side by doing digital portraits and getting back into painting and lettering. here are some of my pieces. be sure to follow @kanapathicreations on instagram to keep up with my latest work

Early 2020:

Quarantine

I love honing this new skill. To place a order on digital portraits please visit either the webiste: http://www.kanapathicreations.com or visit my instagram page @kanapathicreations

Feel free to leave your thoughts in the comments

-XOXO chana

Posted in jolly june, life, uni, UofT

quarantine files: study with me

due to quarantine and the corona virus situation – my university has transferred all in person classes to online. so i’ve been studying at home. though it has been hard with the plenty of distractions I have been quite productive. here is a link to a study with me video I have created in the past. stay tuned for a new one 🙂

-XOXO chana

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Posted in Anxiety, Dear Diary, jolly june, Quarantine Files

to the only guy I’ve ever loved,

Maybe just maybe I fell for you too hard too fast. Every waking moment is spent thinking of you and wondering how you are doing. Yet lately it seems like it’s not being reciprocated.

You were the first guy I ever properly spoke to – openly. I told you about my fears, my dreams and everything in between. You gave me a lot of my firsts – first date, first kiss, first talking stage. You became my first boyfriend and i hoped you would be my last. I envisioned my life with you but now everything’s up in flames. 

For the second time I’m my life I’ve experienced heart ache and misery. For months on end you brushed me aside like I meant nothing to you. When I tried to reach out to you to see what was up because I missed you – you called me crazy and told me you were dating someone else. Maybe I’m not good enough for you. Maybe I’m not worthy of love. 

Not only did you treat me like trash but you got my family and friends in cahoots with you. Everyone’s been scheming behind my back. No one seems to remember that you were my boyfriend when I specially made sure that my parents and family met you before we became official. For someone with generalized anxiety disorder and depression my memory is sharp. 

I still remember telling you I wasn’t ready to date you and wanted to just be friends. I was done lying my family, my best friends, who had been there for me at my lowest. I needed to focus on my self and my mental health. I told you I had a lot to work on before I had a mans – I wanted to fix my relationships with my so called squad, I wanted to make sure me and my ex-bestfriend were on good terms. You being the elaborate waste-bucket I know – planned a big ass surprise for me. You went and talked to my parents, you talked to my friends, and my family inorder to surprise me.

I was on campus on April 26th, 2018, during this time you told me to have fun in Sri Lanka over the summer and then we would talk when I got back. I was already starting to miss you even before the trip. I was wondering if you would move on during my trip and maybe find someone else. I was all in my thoughts sitting in the meeting place at UTSC, writing in my bullet journal. When I was bombarded on campus by my cousins. They could tell I was sad – they told me that you went and talked to my parents, that you told them you wanted to be with me. I was shocked – I never expected you to do that, you were my prince charming. Thats when Taylor Swift was being blasted into the meeting place – they told me to look up. Thats when you walked down the stairs with my brother and sister. As y’all were talking towards me thats when my parents popped up and then also perriamma and perriappa. Then you asked me to be your girlfriend. 

Fast forward to September – I told you I wanted a break – I needed to focus on school and raise my GPA. You understood and told me okay. We would still talk everyday and text. But then I remember that night in November. You were in the hospital. My parents visited you in the hospital – i was devastated. How could you have done something so stupid?. It was in that moment when I thought I had lost you forever that I realized I loved you. You were the one. 

I knew from that moment on I needed you in my life. The dark days and all. You were my source of happiness and joy. I remember the days you used to hold me close. Now everything has changed and I’ve been brushed aside. 

I’m left to fend from my own demons by myself. You’ve put me in a constant state of depression. Everyday I’m wishing that you would walk into my life – I can’t stand to lose another person I love. Yet months have gone by and nothing. You don’t seem to care about me. 

Every night I fall asleep with tears on my eyes thinking of you and what we used to be. With a sad playlist on repeat. I go to sleep knowing that I can be with you in my dreams. 

I’ve reached the point where the pain is greater than my love for you. All you’ve caused me pain now. All I have left to say to you, is why ? Just why ? What’s your reason for all the pain you caused ? Was this really necessary ? 

-XOXO chana

Posted in Anxiety, jolly june, life, The Chronicles of Chana

the chronicles of chana – pt.1 : prologue

The Baleswarans. Close knit. Loving. Loyal. Privileged. Damaged. Minorities. Trustworthy. Selfless. We live in in Toronto – more specifically Scarborough. 


Chana was an ordinary girl. Loving family of 4 beautiful souls who she could depend on. Friends that she believed in. Living with flaws she had learned to love over time. Just a city girl trying to fit in to this world. Shy was her middle name. The type to sit in the corner of a crowded room, isolated from all the other beings in the room. She was a book nerd, loved to lose her self in a good book. Yet one vacation would change everything she’d ever known. Her life would be flipped upside down. 

I would to to hear your thoughts after reading this – leave them in the comments below

-XOXO chana