Posted in Dear Diary, life

dear diary pt.3

Dear Diary,

Lately I feel like my life has been flipped upside down. Everything has been going wrong. I’ve been feeling more anxious and slightly depressed. My bestfriend stopped talking to me and I don’t know what I did wrong. She slowly faded out of my life and is now avoiding me. It feels as if no one stays present in my life – they leave as soon as they get a chance. Maybe my anxiety becomes annoying. Maybe im overthinking it. Maybe its all my fault. Maybe she wasn’t meant to be in my life. Maybe I fucked up. Maybe I pushed her away. Don’t get me wrong – I wish her all the best in her future endeavours but I cant help but wonder what went wrong. Will I ever hear back from her?

-XOXO chana

Posted in Dear Diary

dear s,

I told you once, not to mess with my mental health but yet you didn’t listen. You need to understand what the past few months have felt like. 

I’m done with your scheming – not only did you pretend you didn’t know me but you got my loved ones involved. You got all of them to convince me that there was nothing between us and it was in my head. Everyday I went to sleep with you on my mind and with my tears in my eyes listening to a playlist of sad songs. You were the sole reason for my tears and heart ache. Even when everyone in my life told me that I didn’t have a man – for some reason I still held on to a tiny bit of hope that you would walk back into my life after treating me like complete shit. 

I missed the days when you actually checked up on me and treated me well. I missed seeing your face and holding your hand. I missed having you hold me close. For some odd reason – I still made sure to check up on you even though you tossed me to the curb. Everyday I found myself searching you up on twitter and making sure you were okay. To keep you on my mind I rewatched the office knowing that it was your favourite show. I listened to songs that reminded me of you. I wrote to you in my bullet journal. I even wrote you a letter and placed it on Kanna’s desk in hopes that somehow it would reach you. I was losing my mind – everyone in my life was telling me we weren’t together. I even recalled us getting engaged and told my friends about that too. I missed our stolen glances, our meaningful conversations, our study dates, our simple errand runs. 

Everyday my mind played the memories of you that I had – from you visiting me in class, bombarding me on campus, visiting Altona road, you picking me up malvern mall, surprising me at chapters, our study dates, our first official date. 

I hated being on campus because it reminded me of you. Everyday I walked by the poster for your friends lost dog. You ruined my favourite songs. 

No one told me that you got in a car accident because they knew it would hurt me. I know my dad went with you to pick out the car. 

Everyday I was treated like damaged goods by my parents and siblings. I was living everyday on the verge of a breakdown. They didn’t let me go to school or work for majority of November. They took away my phone. I couldn’t go on my laptop. They treated me like a child. 

What hurt the most is that you lied and deceived me – knowing that I hated when you played with my mental health. The past few months you put me through hell and back. I’ve been feeling like utter shit.

-XOXO chana

Posted in Anxiety, Dear Diary, jolly june, Quarantine Files

to the only guy I’ve ever loved,

Maybe just maybe I fell for you too hard too fast. Every waking moment is spent thinking of you and wondering how you are doing. Yet lately it seems like it’s not being reciprocated.

You were the first guy I ever properly spoke to – openly. I told you about my fears, my dreams and everything in between. You gave me a lot of my firsts – first date, first kiss, first talking stage. You became my first boyfriend and i hoped you would be my last. I envisioned my life with you but now everything’s up in flames. 

For the second time I’m my life I’ve experienced heart ache and misery. For months on end you brushed me aside like I meant nothing to you. When I tried to reach out to you to see what was up because I missed you – you called me crazy and told me you were dating someone else. Maybe I’m not good enough for you. Maybe I’m not worthy of love. 

Not only did you treat me like trash but you got my family and friends in cahoots with you. Everyone’s been scheming behind my back. No one seems to remember that you were my boyfriend when I specially made sure that my parents and family met you before we became official. For someone with generalized anxiety disorder and depression my memory is sharp. 

I still remember telling you I wasn’t ready to date you and wanted to just be friends. I was done lying my family, my best friends, who had been there for me at my lowest. I needed to focus on my self and my mental health. I told you I had a lot to work on before I had a mans – I wanted to fix my relationships with my so called squad, I wanted to make sure me and my ex-bestfriend were on good terms. You being the elaborate waste-bucket I know – planned a big ass surprise for me. You went and talked to my parents, you talked to my friends, and my family inorder to surprise me.

I was on campus on April 26th, 2018, during this time you told me to have fun in Sri Lanka over the summer and then we would talk when I got back. I was already starting to miss you even before the trip. I was wondering if you would move on during my trip and maybe find someone else. I was all in my thoughts sitting in the meeting place at UTSC, writing in my bullet journal. When I was bombarded on campus by my cousins. They could tell I was sad – they told me that you went and talked to my parents, that you told them you wanted to be with me. I was shocked – I never expected you to do that, you were my prince charming. Thats when Taylor Swift was being blasted into the meeting place – they told me to look up. Thats when you walked down the stairs with my brother and sister. As y’all were talking towards me thats when my parents popped up and then also perriamma and perriappa. Then you asked me to be your girlfriend. 

Fast forward to September – I told you I wanted a break – I needed to focus on school and raise my GPA. You understood and told me okay. We would still talk everyday and text. But then I remember that night in November. You were in the hospital. My parents visited you in the hospital – i was devastated. How could you have done something so stupid?. It was in that moment when I thought I had lost you forever that I realized I loved you. You were the one. 

I knew from that moment on I needed you in my life. The dark days and all. You were my source of happiness and joy. I remember the days you used to hold me close. Now everything has changed and I’ve been brushed aside. 

I’m left to fend from my own demons by myself. You’ve put me in a constant state of depression. Everyday I’m wishing that you would walk into my life – I can’t stand to lose another person I love. Yet months have gone by and nothing. You don’t seem to care about me. 

Every night I fall asleep with tears on my eyes thinking of you and what we used to be. With a sad playlist on repeat. I go to sleep knowing that I can be with you in my dreams. 

I’ve reached the point where the pain is greater than my love for you. All you’ve caused me pain now. All I have left to say to you, is why ? Just why ? What’s your reason for all the pain you caused ? Was this really necessary ? 

-XOXO chana

Posted in Anxiety, Dear Diary, jolly june, life, Quarantine Files

you said

you said

you would be there for me

you said

you wouldnt hurt me

you said

you would protect me at all costs

you said

that you would be consistent

you said that

you were in it for the long haul

yet —-

you aren’t here

right when I need you most

____________________________

was I wrong to trust you ?

was I just another piece on your chess board ?

was it all just a game for you ?

was it my anxiety that pushed you away ?

was my actions the cause of this ?

-XOXO chana

Posted in Anxiety, birthday, bullet journal, Dear Diary, jolly june, life, Poems, Quarantine Files, uni, UofT

eelam

the history of my people

runs in my veins

the stories of inhumane acts

run like a film roll in my head

the legacy of my family & tamils

keeps me going

everything I do is to honour

my blood

the history of tamils

sometimes keeps me up at night

2009 ,

haunts me

my appama and ammama missing in times of crisis

my uncle bombed to death

my aunt left widowed

how do they sleep at night

knowing they took the lives of

hundreds of thousand innocent lives

the war left

thousands of my people

displaced

killed

missing

murdered

sexually assaulted

kidnapped

dead

bombed

raped

how did they get away

with the numerous

war crimes

-XOXO chana

Posted in Dear Diary

dear diary pt.1

MARCH 2019 

Maybe I just care too much or fell head over heels for someone who doesn’t reciprocate. I feel like i’m drowning waiting for his responses. Yet all this man does is joke and tweet. I love him but I hate him at the same time. Who knew love meant staring at your phone every minute waiting to see if he has messaged you back. I know everyone is in cahoots with him planning something. This is exactly what happened last year. Man went awol, I went crazy trying to get him to respond, everyone told me to break it off he was a waste man. Then I go to my psychiatrist appt. and boom he’s there.

Everyone second of the day he is on my mind. Is he okay? Is he hurt? Did he eat? How is he doing?

I put him before my mental health and its something I cant stop.

I go to sleep thinking of him and wake up with him on my mind. The simple things remind me of him. I hear a fast car – him. I cant seem to find any pictures of us together. I privated everything and I am struggling to find any evidence. I swear I wrote everything down. I feel like complete and utter shit.

-XOXO chana

P.S – i’m here for you guys if you ever want to talk

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